My Ten Year Old Angel

 

The more I believe in Angels

The more I see them all around me

In friends, family and acquaintances

It’s amazing how much goodness you can see

If only you believe.

I’d call her a little bomb . She’ll blow your mind with her comebacks and thrill you with her amazingly pure thoughts. A true balance.  Outspoken, brilliant, talented, adorable are just a few adjectives.  I’d love to call her a princess but for now she’s a tiny tom boy. Sometimes I see reflections of myself is her, the love for football and guy stuff, the dizziness towards shopping and girly things.Sister from another mother! Probably because we’ve been brought up around the same person!

Never the less,

She’s beautiful. Inside and out. Features of a beautiful woman peep through her face, and you can easily tell she’ll turn out to be a heart breaker of countless boys. A cascade of black hair which now are tied in a messy braid will soon come down styled to perfection. ( Honestly can’t wait to see her grow)

I first saw her when she was almost a baby. Even then she was capable of defeating anyone anywhere. Every time I speak to her it makes me think of the lord’s wonderful creations and perfections. How innocence can stick to true knowledge.

I may have many friends, but there’s always a special place for a few people.

What I love the most about her is the fact that every word comes right from the heart, because she’s still so pure and so innocent. The lord resides in each one of us, but in her he shines out.

 

She reminds me that  there’s still purity In the world, that beauty is precious and love is infinite.

 I thank him( god) for bringing  her in my life. And thank her for reminding me every day what gratitude feels like.

You’re a true angel. 

 

Keep Holding On To the Crazy Stupid Love.

“It’s such a shame for us to part,

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard”

– Coldplay

‘Life’; you can talk about it all you want but when you get the chance to really live it, the bliss is speechless.

As I write this, I’m empty yet full; full of love, gratitude, of amazement.

A red football, messy room, cupboard filled with crap, a computer desk with the latest of technologies.

8 years ago when I entered it, I didn’t know it would be my room more than his, didn’t know the rightful owner would become such an important part of me. My family, my home. ( No, we’re not married)

I realized family has nothing to do with blood relation, that a home doesn’t have to be a place you legally live.

That, love is beyond anything…

And, that one person can be everything. Your friend, your guide, your parent, your lover, your inspiration. Just about everything, even without saying it.

Even if you live miles away.

Changing so many countries, cities and schools, I try to forget the human tendency of a heavy heart and a choked throat every time you leave a place you love.

I guess, love is us.

And life, likes to play around and test our strength and endurance.

“When you try your best, but you don’t succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

Stuck in reverse

 And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can’t replace” 

 

I didn’t realize our friendship would be such bliss; I was too small to understand that back then.

‘My best friend’.  Never really believed in the word, because everybody seems to use it and this is just beyond, beyond my conscious!

4 years of Xbox and teases, crushes and madness, of waking up a lazy boy. Singing to the songs of Akon and dhoom 2. Back then I had you all the time, over the years I forgot that. The only person I had to be jealous of was Jessica Alba. 🙂

Over time, my teenager madness came in and you were probably “the only man” at that point of time in my life. Just when I realized where my life was heading,

I had to say goodbye.

A goodbye, without a hug, without you being there, without tears. So much remorse and sadness.

Turned into silence.

Never thought we’d meet, but life rewards us for our patience and love. What you give you get.

4 years down the line, we didn’t keep all our promises but we kept our souls and heart. Who knew the friendship was hidden in us, even with the distance and silence?

 “When you walk away I count the steps that you take, All the words I need to hear to get me through the day” – Avril

Being with you reminded me what happiness means, togetherness and yes bliss. The hangover just won’t leave me (I’m secretly happy about it). The madness of being with you and just being myself is a treasure to keep!

So many precious moments’s to hold on to, but I’ll leave that for my diary to keep.

“ It’s the state of bliss you think you’re dreaming
It’s the happiness inside that you’re feeling
It’s so beautiful it makes you want to cry”

Cherishing it and keeping it in my heart is all I can do, I’m strong to the world but when it comes to the heart, I’m paralysed. Life’s going to test us all over again, see if we are crazy relationship is worth the wait. I’m sure it is.

There’s jealousy, happiness, madness, sweetness, love, sadness, fear and so much inside of me. Growing up has too many rules, too many restrictions. Falling in love now has its terms and conditions.

But this is our crazy, stupid, love (Loved that you said it)

God knows what it is, I don’t want to.

It’s beautiful, it’s so us.

People may come and people may go, we’ll go on ❤

“You’re not alone, together we stand
I’ll be by your side, you know I’ll take your hand
When it gets cold and it feels like the end
There’s no place to go, you know I won’t give in

Keep holding on
Cause you know we’ll make it through
We’ll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I’m here for you
I’m here for you”

Keep Holding On!

I Found Paradise In the Crippled Utopian World- I found god.

Image The vastness of the blue bodies, randomly painted with colours of green and white here are there.  My planet seems perfect.  A Utopian world of god, paradise.

Now anger rules the innocent heart, she hates herself for who she’s become. For who she’s turned into. Anger blames people around her but is that really the cause…?

 

Where every word is care, every hand held is faith, every feeling is love! The place where the trees don’t bow in weakness, birds don’t lie on the ground dead, the clouds are not black and water’s not purple.

(Colours are good, if they belong in the right place.)

 

Lot’s of doctor’s appointments, tests and medications. They say, symptoms of this and that.  She’s deaf to the words now.  Lot’s of research on what could be, but even the internet doesn’t answer anything for free. Lost.  Scared. Shattered. Where  should she really be?

 

In that world there are no curses, no devils, no hell.   For tell me who defines good and bad, who really chooses right and wrong?  It’s all relativity.

Where love resides,  all is good. Where faith stands, all is well.  Where I live, is heaven.  That  utopian world, is my home.

 

She often wants to run from her in capabilities ,  for the lost  strength, for the fear gained. Her outer shell is too egoistic, too self centered , too small, and too naïve. She curses herself day and night.

Now, outgrown for her mother’s lap

Distant from her father’s embrace

Stuck.  In the middle of nothing but a gamble of discouraging thoughts.

 

Man can now fly in the air like a bird, swim under the ocean like a fish, he can burrow into the ground like a mole. Now if only he could walk the earth like a man, this would be paradise.”

She weeps, with everything she see’s. Hatred, remorse , guilt, for no one but herself. There are help lines for all kinds of abuse but self abuse is probably the worst form. One part of her curses herself  for all the failures and the other consoles her. HA!  Nature’s ways…she thinks.

That world would be great, that world would fulfill dreams, everyone would live, laugh , play.. At the end of the day it would be nature’s way and say. Cascades of waterfalls, , winds, trees, grace, love, friendship, beauty, grass, birds, clouds, sun, thoughts, everything just everything perfect! And most of all smiles, lot’s and lot’s of smiles.

On the verge of the end, she decided she just couldn’t and wouldn’t stand in front of the world and it’s people because she wasn’t beautiful, because she was unworthy and selfish.

Because jealousy had taken it’s toll. Convinced with the fact that her fairy tale was just an ugly mess, she took a bottle of morphine…

 

Rays of light streamed into the corner where she sat.

Someone held her, tears rolled down her cheeks. She looked up and she knew some part of her longed for him.

(Bible :Isaiah 43:1  “Fear not: for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name; you are mine”.)

Staring into his divine eyes, she knew she had found herself.

Giving her the comfort of a father

The lap of her mother

The hand of a friend

The love of a lover

Jesus stood, holding his child.

He whispered, this is your fairy tale, this is paradise, this is it.

From that day on she knew, that she had found her paradise in this crippled Utopian World, She had found God.

( Bible :John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him  should not perish but have eternal life”)

 

His tomorrow, that never came

“Maa!”  ; He shouted as loud as he could, but his voice did not seem to reach….

His body was giving up slowly and his breath sucked in as he desperately tried to coo a voice. A sudden realization hit him as he figured the screams were now only in his head as memories and flashes from his past dragged along.

He wanted something but he couldn’t decide what, his wind pipe now plunged as though a rope had conquered it. He wanted to live, undoubtedly!

A rush of pain and happiness swept through his body as he pictured that sweet comforting face smiling at him, and holding him. “It would her hurt her to see me this way” he thought but he figured her tears might heal his wounds, seizing his pain!  As seconds passed by he realized, He wanted, needed and craved for his mother more than anything, even oxygen!

Only then as he was lying there, somewhere, waiting till his paralyzed body and suffocating breath gave up.  He finally closed his eyes, because he had now learnt that in this no moon night among the thorns and bushes only the dreams of his mother could pacify him.

Carried away by the remembrance of her scent he wished she could pat him to sleep just like she used too, this time, for an eternal one. For the next morning no matter how much she would try and wake him, he wouldn’t.  He still believed that she would probably kiss him hoping that it would wake him up.

Or maybe, just maybe he would wake up and realize it was a bad dream.

His innocence, his love, his faith lied so deep within. Only if he got the chance to show it!

No matter how much he wished, he finally concluded this was it, this was reality, and he had been stabbed till he couldn’t count the number of times. Just for a few bucks or maybe old rivalry but that hardly mattered now that his life was gone, faded in front of his eyes.

Last night when he had argued with his family, and ignored his girlfriend and insulted his friends he obviously dint know this was it.

Now he longed,Image

For his mother’s sweet song.

The thorns ripped him,

As he took his last breath

Begged for forgiveness for whatever sin..

but his tomorrow never came!

I too dream , this time just differently

Agha dreamed ,

of the ghat of his only world.

I too dream ,

to be free ,

to be able to see

A world different from what it is now

Dream of being away

Running like a horse in may

An elegant body ,

A charming soul.

between grape vines

ignoring all bondages and signs.

Just running ,

to the nearest paradise

in the midst of mountains,

rays falling upon me

for no reason but bliss and fun.

That’s only a dream

I have norms and goals to perceive

and expectations which I must meet and achieve.

there is no shelter or paradise

I’m running ,

but not with joy

For commandments of life are not as good as a cheese cake made of soy.Image