So far from Innocent – Neurotic Writer’s Diary – Page 4

A few seconds turn into minutes, hours; gradually into days and months. Often we wait, for someone, something in all those moments that make life. We wait.

Sleeping every night with little dreams, hopes and rules for the next day to come and sometimes not sleeping at all. Just a cup of coffee, a pen to write and memories to recall or decisions to make. Tasks of the material world divert our hearts and souls from things we would like to keep close… They come back. Often.

To think of an end of an era is scary.

Maybe because we’re scared we’ll never live the past again. Nights of despair , lost thoughts and tears and yes, nights of good writing!

The beginning of the night is scary, the end painful! Like a mother holding her child to her bosom and giving it in the hands of a stranger.

When did I grow old?

How and why did I agree to give up my innocence? When did the sparkle in our eyes go away? Since when have we become selfish manipulative beings?

The desperation to be makes us crazy. And in the craziness we forget.

To spend nights being lost, engrossed in ourselves.

In making decisions for time is man made and so is society.

Grow up as you. Passion often takes away innocence

But living in the past only gives you tears of remembrance.

 

Neurotic Writer’s Diary – Page 3- Another Battle

Tossed over blankets and pillows, books and papers, fights and affection, breakfast after dinner; the battle continues!

The battle, of being something, being the best, being you!

And then it all comes back the same question Who are you? To whom do you belong?

Texts, calls, messages, thoughts, hopes, dreams, expectations. There must be a reason why we do it, for love perhaps, for acceptance maybe?

When your attire must match your footwear and your hair to the occasion. The battle continues.

When the years and years of worship is blown in the wind…

Just to give another chance to someone, to some kind of happiness which may exist?

We leave the road traveled behind in the hope of our destination. Crossing our fingers, just wondering if it’s water or just another mirage .In the eyes of the world we must look fine, for real is little and expectations many and thoughts? Infinite!

When your heart and mind say different things, the battle continues.

When you leave everyone for the one, the battle continues

When you have to lie for the unknown truth

When you deny the pain

The battle will continue.

 

The lord says, honesty is no sin,

We’re made of emotions not some kind of tin,

If you believe you’ll know,

This battle? Is only yours to win!

 

My Ten Year Old Angel

 

The more I believe in Angels

The more I see them all around me

In friends, family and acquaintances

It’s amazing how much goodness you can see

If only you believe.

I’d call her a little bomb . She’ll blow your mind with her comebacks and thrill you with her amazingly pure thoughts. A true balance.  Outspoken, brilliant, talented, adorable are just a few adjectives.  I’d love to call her a princess but for now she’s a tiny tom boy. Sometimes I see reflections of myself is her, the love for football and guy stuff, the dizziness towards shopping and girly things.Sister from another mother! Probably because we’ve been brought up around the same person!

Never the less,

She’s beautiful. Inside and out. Features of a beautiful woman peep through her face, and you can easily tell she’ll turn out to be a heart breaker of countless boys. A cascade of black hair which now are tied in a messy braid will soon come down styled to perfection. ( Honestly can’t wait to see her grow)

I first saw her when she was almost a baby. Even then she was capable of defeating anyone anywhere. Every time I speak to her it makes me think of the lord’s wonderful creations and perfections. How innocence can stick to true knowledge.

I may have many friends, but there’s always a special place for a few people.

What I love the most about her is the fact that every word comes right from the heart, because she’s still so pure and so innocent. The lord resides in each one of us, but in her he shines out.

 

She reminds me that  there’s still purity In the world, that beauty is precious and love is infinite.

 I thank him( god) for bringing  her in my life. And thank her for reminding me every day what gratitude feels like.

You’re a true angel. 

 

Goodbye – A warfare of thoughts

The brilliant day set, as the sun slightly bent to say goodbye. It provided light, hope, energy and certain kind of happiness to them as they stood hand in hand. Awing at the moment, he looked into her eyes as dusk greeted them. It’s always been a precious time, for the lovers and loners.

As darkness begins to crawl upon faces, with only street lights whizzing across, the feeling of togetherness heightens.

She mentally captured the moment; she would have to live with it for quite awhile. She adored him, and he knew.  But when will she see him again? Only fate knew.

For her it was bliss, his arms comforted her, and she knew she was safe. His shoulder always welcomed her head, because it fitted so perfectly. ‘Meant to be’.  He stroked her face gently, he did that when he wanted just a little more of her, when he wanted to convince his heart that the beauty real and his, only his!  The thought overwhelmed him and delighted his soul, because he always knew her as his.

His phone rings “of course”; she thought. He made her happy, and everything was perfect, but you can’t ignore life’s facts and after so many years, she had eventually learnt that. A sudden feeling of sickness was rising in her chest and burning it, as her stomach hurt with jealousy. She wanted to pull away, because the thought of another girl being in those arms being stroked and kissed the way she was? Absolutely terrified her.

He must be telling her the same things! The thought disgusted her. There’s nothing she could do, she loved him and she wanted him, he did too. Somehow, he sensed the feeling, and pulled her closer. Then another thought occurred to her, she thought about the other men she’s been with. They’ve held her too, told similar things.

She was mentally cross with him, and two thoughts later she decided to forgive him. Crazy love, she thought.

She could feel his fingers on her waist, begging her not to leave. But she was so confused; she didn’t want to be carried away by his scent and his love even though her soul craved for her every minute he was away. She wanted to be independent but for him she wanted to bend down and let all go of all her sanity.

He ended the call, it was just a minute long and so much had changed. She smirked at her stupidity. Both their parents waited for them as they stood stealing a few hours from the years in which they got to be together. Life, alas!

He told her sweet perfect words that even her boyfriends had never told, things and dreams she imagined him saying, now he did. She held on to his shirt, just to make sure it was all real.

Only if they could just stand there, even though it was in the middle of the metro station. She looked up to him, seemed like years she had had a chance to look into his eyes. They were still looking at her with the same intensity of love, which surprised her.

They had to say goodbye, even though they both loathed it. For a few minutes, he told her things about keeping in touch, hopes of meeting again, about life, fate, dreams. All those things with which she lived,

Things that convinced her all this time, but at that moment she was numb and horrified. The thought of leaving him made her heart ache, all emotions just stuck together, cluttered and jumbled like apple earphones.  He told her he loved her. Did he?  Would she wait for him to return? For fate to bring them together despite everything?  The thought made her restless.

He bent down to gently touch her lips, but she was so numb she couldn’t respond. He whispered to her and pulled her closer, convinced her he would be back just for her. The thought amused her, as he kissed her slowly because he didn’t want her to be living with the fear of losing him.  Finally, she melted to the softness of his lips and hands and gave all of herself as they held on to each other kissing passionately.

Sorrow, pain, aching happiness, gratitude all of it rushed through at the same time. He kissed her forehead, but she knew she had to walk away. Even if that’s with slow dreading steps because if she stayed, she’d want him more.

Want him in every way…

Run to her, his mind shouted,

Turn back, her heart screamed.

Get back, just one more time!

None did, time was running. They parted ways, just like they did long ago.

I too dream , this time just differently

Agha dreamed ,

of the ghat of his only world.

I too dream ,

to be free ,

to be able to see

A world different from what it is now

Dream of being away

Running like a horse in may

An elegant body ,

A charming soul.

between grape vines

ignoring all bondages and signs.

Just running ,

to the nearest paradise

in the midst of mountains,

rays falling upon me

for no reason but bliss and fun.

That’s only a dream

I have norms and goals to perceive

and expectations which I must meet and achieve.

there is no shelter or paradise

I’m running ,

but not with joy

For commandments of life are not as good as a cheese cake made of soy.Image