You might not know your name, but you know your story.

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It’s back! The energy, the magic. It’s not perfect but it’s there. I can feel my hands finally escaping their fears and itching to write again. It feels wonderful!

This feeling, when your phone is how it should be, switched off. You are how you should be.

Calm. Yet, bubbling with energy! Sleepless.

Like every cell of my body is jumping, smiling, craving. Craving to be heard. Not in a painful way but in a very joyful, crazy way.Crazy! Yes, that’s who we all are. Now I am again!My blood rushes and pumps itself as I write these words. I’m here. I’m home.In my room where the walls are white, the furniture shapes and molds to the choice of my colours. White, blue. Peace and serenity fill the air.I feel calmness in my breathe, in my body.  It feels good.Not to be struggling to breath, with the fear that someone might harm you, touch you.Physically, emotionally.It feel good to be this way to just simply listen to yourself. Calmly and patiently.There is no good that can be killed by the bad. It’ll come back. If it’ true it always does( A lot like love)

I’m back to tell myself,My worth.That despite circumstances, comments and perceptions;I’m beautiful and you- reading this are too.

You might not know your name; but  only you know your story, so embrace yourself, cry, fall and break but pick yourself up smile, laugh and join the pieces back again!

xox

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A Contrasting Malaise

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The smoke fills the air in the house, the ‘havan’ has just finished. It’s supposed to be a religious ceremony where all the negative energies in the house are collected, the god’s and goddesses are prayed to. They say that, during this ceremony there is even a time when they descend down for the ceremony’s completion and sent back. Where are they?

I want to see them. I want to see the negative energies in the house and in myself and I want to see them go. I want to see god take away all these negative energies. I want him to see that everybody is a mess.

Despite the circumstances, the beautiful colours, clothes, faces, exchanges of gifts and money; what really lies?

I want him to see.

I’ll hum a tune, and you’ll never know what song it is.

I’ll wait, wait till you’re done. So you’ll come back and smile.

But you won’t.

For that I have to let you go.

I’ll walk here, and you’ll walk there. I’ll smile.

They’ll tell me, it’s a beautiful smile. Is it now?

The one that can’t reach my eyes. The pain is strong, intoxicating almost. When it’s a part of you, it hurts. But slowly, like the stream of water seeping into something, It gets into every cell of my bloodstream.

Sometimes, rushes too!

Like poison in a mortals body, as though it’s counting seconds and longing to finally turn into a vampire because otherwise, it’s just painful. Then the remorse hits you. You howl, plead and scream. Hope. Hope that this seeping pain will either go away or fill itself completely. And slowly, it fills you. It fills you like a glass being filled by a jug. It has too much to give and you, too little to take. There are shivers at first, and then comes numbness. The wonderful gift, better than alcohol or anything else. The numbness loves you, and you love it.

Pain, hurts you. Numbness, calms you.

Somehow nothing that anyone says matters and you want to smile because you’re a mess but so is the world. You realized that sooner, much sooner that your friends have or they will.

I wish I could say, but hey who’ll listen? They all say they will.

They don’t.

If you’re reading this then you already know what pain is. It’s a happy high or a constant stab in the stomach. I want to look at my foot and touch it, feel it because I know it hurts.

I know that the car that ran over it, was heavy, I know that the tier as it rolled over my gentle skin of my foot hurt me.

But I won’t look at it, because it’ll make me realize; the stabbing pain.

 

The suffering that our body goes through. These unhealed wounds, incomplete desires of beauty, cuts, aches, and fractures are they anything compared to how really hurt we are or we have been?

Do you want me to tell you? I will, I promise to write them in flowery words or just plain reality. Will you cry and sympathise or leave it to say- “How unhappy.”

I Am. I’m unhappy. Discontented. Unsatisfied.

I wanted to be, now I’m crippled. Not permanently, temporarily. I don’t like how my sickness restricts me. The fact that I’m scared of going out or that everywhere I go, I look at every man and wonder if he’d manipulate, lie and rape.

 

So as these smokes, slowly creep into the molecules of the air

The ‘havan’

I’ll ask god to take away my pain too; this suffering and maybe he’ll listen.

With it maybe, he’ll also steal away the cause of this all.

 

Amen. 

 

The talks of your beastly pain.

Drag, walk, jog, and sprint.

If the sun is hot, even if the dirt is a lot.

Even if the boils in your feet hurt too much, walk.

 

Feel the pain, the pain talks.

 

Go back in time, not too long ago.

You too were all alone!

There was the pillow then, there is the pillow now. 

Absorbing your tears and healing your broken heart,

Then and now.

Is she? There?

Will you promise?

Will you love me?

Those moments are forgotten,

camouflaged into time.

Now take me, to some place real.

 

Sugar coated sword of love,

 A package of sweetness.

Promises abound and dreams infinite;

Ah, the crazy dreams.

The hand won’t hold you anymore,

No shoulder will comfort your miseries.

It’s you, just you! You, your music, your work and yes, YOUR REALITY.

How it seems all so easy and how every song seems perfect.

In the end, it’s you, just you!

What will you remember?

Will you remember me?

Will you remember the things I said you?

Will you remember that I loved you?

Not now, then.

The sugar will be long gone,

Your pain won’t let you go

It will tell you! Shout at you!

“I’m right, she’s wrong!”

The dreams would then seem too immature,

The gifts given a complete waste.

All the kisses, only just another taste.

 

Where’s your love now?

Where are you now?

“This wasn’t us”

“You’ve changed”

“Things have changed”

The conversations will happen,

And they’ll continue.

Months and months.

Till you learn to give up,

On the same love you thought was “Forever”.

Where is your ‘forever’ now?

 

And then, you’ll think of all the things you left,

Incomplete and unaccomplished

 

The times you fought, the harsh words,

the inconsideration and her ego.

 How could you go so low?

Cry, cry for her now.

“Look for another person,

Someone better,

Someone real”

The friends would exclaim.

They must have been right.

I must have been wrong about her.

“Love is blind” they had told me.

‘She was never worth my time ‘

Images of her, form in your mind,

What happened to calling her beautiful?

What happened to the time you said you’ll stand by?

What about the promises and the castles in the air?

The pain will tell you that the once most beautiful face was just a mask.

That she was unreal and all this time she was ‘faking’

And suddenly, all the truths will be filled with doubt into and become lies.

Your pain will tell you what an ugly mess you got into and that all this time the only person who was your true friend was your cigarette

 

“You’re a man!” “Be a man!”

Wipe away the tears; they are for her to shed.

Pick up a cigarette, don’t be so low,

Girls like her will come and go.

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When the Ram fell In love with the Lion.


 I could do an entire research and never figure  what is right and what is wrong, partly because I’m so confused, maybe because he thinks he’s so fine ( I do too..) or just because nature and fate likes to put us around in situations  like these…

 

Here I shoot the facts, I , a Ram  who fell in love with a Lion.Astrologically, mentally ,spiritually, and physically it boldly shouts out –“wrong, danger, illogical.”

But I a unique ram, who never wanted to fit in her little herd now wants to be a part of the Lion’s den.

Is this possible?  It’s ridiculous, agreed. But possible, yes.

He thinks he is the king of the jungle, and so walks with pride like nothing matters. Follows principles of a true king, listens without denial but acts to his own pleasure

Self centered, annoyingly serious and bold are his highlights.

Outside this rough exterior lies the man I love, lies the heart that longs to love, the soul that craves for someone..

But can that someone be somebody who attracts him yet repels him. Who is so outspoken that it hurts his king size ego? The one who needs him emotionally even though she’ll never accept it?

The Ram and the Lion have an ego bigger than anything. That’s where domination comes, he stirs her ego with feelings that she surrenders to him immediately.

Man and woman , no matter what. It’ll always be  the same.

His charm, irresistible!

He’ll love, adore and charm and then go away. Till he wants more of you.

Till then surrendered ram’s like myself wait for their approval, denial, love, hatred , ignorance and attention.

Because the Ram fell in love with the Lion, and now she sits at the gate of his kingdom hoping one day in his reign she’ll be the one.

P.s. The ram is astrological point of view.