So far from Innocent – Neurotic Writer’s Diary – Page 4

A few seconds turn into minutes, hours; gradually into days and months. Often we wait, for someone, something in all those moments that make life. We wait.

Sleeping every night with little dreams, hopes and rules for the next day to come and sometimes not sleeping at all. Just a cup of coffee, a pen to write and memories to recall or decisions to make. Tasks of the material world divert our hearts and souls from things we would like to keep close… They come back. Often.

To think of an end of an era is scary.

Maybe because we’re scared we’ll never live the past again. Nights of despair , lost thoughts and tears and yes, nights of good writing!

The beginning of the night is scary, the end painful! Like a mother holding her child to her bosom and giving it in the hands of a stranger.

When did I grow old?

How and why did I agree to give up my innocence? When did the sparkle in our eyes go away? Since when have we become selfish manipulative beings?

The desperation to be makes us crazy. And in the craziness we forget.

To spend nights being lost, engrossed in ourselves.

In making decisions for time is man made and so is society.

Grow up as you. Passion often takes away innocence

But living in the past only gives you tears of remembrance.

 

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Neurotic Writer’s Diary – Page 3- Another Battle

Tossed over blankets and pillows, books and papers, fights and affection, breakfast after dinner; the battle continues!

The battle, of being something, being the best, being you!

And then it all comes back the same question Who are you? To whom do you belong?

Texts, calls, messages, thoughts, hopes, dreams, expectations. There must be a reason why we do it, for love perhaps, for acceptance maybe?

When your attire must match your footwear and your hair to the occasion. The battle continues.

When the years and years of worship is blown in the wind…

Just to give another chance to someone, to some kind of happiness which may exist?

We leave the road traveled behind in the hope of our destination. Crossing our fingers, just wondering if it’s water or just another mirage .In the eyes of the world we must look fine, for real is little and expectations many and thoughts? Infinite!

When your heart and mind say different things, the battle continues.

When you leave everyone for the one, the battle continues

When you have to lie for the unknown truth

When you deny the pain

The battle will continue.

 

The lord says, honesty is no sin,

We’re made of emotions not some kind of tin,

If you believe you’ll know,

This battle? Is only yours to win!

 

Open-ess.( Neurotic Writer’s Diary- Page 2)

“Redefining open minds
And if you ask me
The feeling that I’m feeling is overjoyed
And it’s golden, it goes to show then” – Jason Mraz

The world wants to know and read because they absolutely love gossip. Tell me if I’m wrong!

There are days when I wish I was quite, just numb, silent. Moments where it’s just our scents, closeness, and breathes talking.

I cherish those moments, they make me feel good. Like a cup of coffee or a smoke as you write, it  seems to enhance everything… but, in my general character I’m open.

A lot of people tell me it’s a great thing, I think that too but let’s not mistake it for availability because that’s just plain wrong.

Sorry but like many other dumb girls when my idea of ‘right’ comes into my life , I fall for it. My mind is a story book, my version of awesomeness.  I’m wrong at times, so ? At least I have a life to look back to. I’ve grown up reading fairy tales and watching movies where it’s okay to be yourself.

If I really had to look around and follow other’s way of living, my first kiss would have been in Grade 1 ( I was in International school of Paris) and by the time I got to my age,  I would have been screwed.

Or if I followed the systems of Dubai, I would have chosen to shy away from any boy and yet fantasize in my head.

So I chose to stick to the way I am, me. Open, open to truth, to friendship, love, experience and people!

My judgement about you is probably based on an incidence or two. A gossip maybe, but in the end we all  are right.

‘ Right, according to our principle of life.’

My right is open-ess. and freedom. The right to do what the moment begs you to before it goes away.

They’ll always be people against it, people who’ll pull you back and say be ‘normal’. That’s when I think, honestly what’s fun about normal?  I would probably suicide if I compared myself to normal.

Right and wrong are relative. You are the only one who is allowed to choose. If your inner conscience says it’s right, Believe it. Let go of the dogma, the trauma, of it being right and wrong and if nothing ? Stop judging others versions of it. 

P.s. This is a note to self. I’m extremely judgmental of my own acts. 

The Neurotic Writer’s Diary- Page 1

The Neurotic Writer's Diary- Page 1

Most people prefer to keep secrets, big and small. Some like to discuss it with their friends far and close. And some like me? We tend to experience what we want to write (Not a very productive thing to do.)

I wouldn’t really call myself a writer but I’m on the path of it and that’s pretty evident. Upon great observation I came to realize that my life and it’s events and directly proportional to what I would write in the near future. This has, in fact landed me in deep trouble a couple of times.

I’m plain crazy, and that’s probably what gives me the ability to write. I recently saw this movie, even though her writing was just a part of the movie, it did really strike me.

The problem with our category of people or maybe everyone else too, ( not too sure) is that no matter what, whether we are extremely happy, an emotional wreck or just anything, we want to write it.

Why is that? Well, my fingers itch to write it down, and I’m not satisfied till a brilliant piece( my standards) is achieved.

I’d like to give narrate an extract from the movie;  This lady has almost fallen in love with this man and he too feels for her. With a very true heart he exclaims- ‘you’re a woman to love.’

Well, any woman would be delighted to hear that, and she was too. Later when things turned bitter she used the same tag line as her play’s title to narrate her short affair followed by a heart break. Here’s the difference :

For him, it was something that he would have wanted to keep as a little secret, something that was probably just  for them to know. It was equally special for her, except, she wanted to show it to the world. She wanted the world to know that ‘he’ told ‘her’( only and only her!) that.

There lies the problem, people like me want to shout it out to the world and later we are made to realize that’s it’s the wrong thing to do, that’s when my dilemma really begins!

To top it all we want our life to go not like a fairy tale but like a movie, drama, lot’s and lot’s of drama! What’s a love story without it, but what I forget is that, it’s my life! I’m ready to mess it up for a piece of writing in my head? That’s a little too much don’t you think?

I don’t really think there is much I can do about it. All I can do, is accept the fact that I want my life to be a neat movie in my head with well, a perfect ending. Is that too much to ask?

And to all the friends, brothers, boyfriends, crushes, bitches, best friends, sisters and family. Each one of you are really important in the play of my head’s story, you’re doing an amazing job! It’s me who needs to change just a little bit.

Signing off for now,

Will be back soon with another neurotic back stage scene.